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hammerandsawI am overwhelmed today. And I have been for a while. I didn't realize just how much heavy lifting Amyloban was doing for my mental health. I can't wait to start taking it again. It dulls the sensory input circuitry enough that I can tolerate things like annoying voices, daylight-balanced light bulbs, and being asked questions when I'm in the middle of an activity.
I am also frustrated right now because my kid has been slamming me behind my back repeatedly. 2 weeks ago, he called and asked for $5. I said no, both because I didn't feel like giving it to him, and because I didn't have any money in the automatic transfer account. He could have already had the money, because his report card came a week prior and he gets paid for his grades. But he kept procrastinating on adding up the amounts, even though we put the chart and the report card right on his desk. We removed every single barrier except the part where he actually needed to do the work. He also has had a paycheck sitting on the counter for 2 weeks, that he never got around to cashing because he never got around to putting the bank app on his phone and every time he asked to go to the bank, it was closed.
Anyways, I said no, he immediately hung up. Then he accidentally pocket dialed me and I got to hear him call me a lying fucking bitch, the n word, and other lovely things. He is mixed race, but looks white and cannot get away with saying the n word in public. He was in the gas station. I'm honestly surprised he didn't get punched in the face. I am also mixed race, but also look white. I have been called that word before, but only with the word Sand in front of it, and only by people who have seen me with my family. I'm Arab, not Black. So it also was just, inaccurate? Oddly specific? It probably looked to outsiders like he was a light skinned half white kid complaining about his Black mother. It really hurt me that the second I didn't do the thing he wanted (that he could have done himself and that I repeatedly reminded him about) he slammed me so hard. It also embarrasses me to know he is using that kind of language in the community, where people who know us can hear him. It reflect poorly on me, and negatively impacts his ability to form positive connections with people.
Later, he apologized, but it was a half apology. he said he was in a fight with his girlfriend, and I just "caught the heat" from that. I told him that I don't care why, I care that he did it. It was not okay and will never be okay. He said he knows. He said he wouldn't do it again.
Two weeks later, Husband was picking him up from his birth mom's house. She was worried about the rain, because the news was reporting accidents, so she told him she was worried about them making it home safely. Husband told Kid to call her when they got home to let her know he was home safe. He said he couldn't, because I refused to give him her number. Which, I had given it to him 4 different times. He is there every week and could have gotten it from her at any point. She obsessively makes lists of numbers and hangs them up around her house. He could just read it. he didn't, and then blamed me. Not only that, but made it sound like I was actively trying to keep him from contacting her.
Husband was angry at him and told him that was a stupid reason. He kept insisting it was true, so Husbands said he would put the number in his phone himself when they got home. Kid said no, he was tired, and he would go to sleep and do it when he got up. Husband said he would just turn off the power to his room until he called her. Then he did just that when they got home. Kid threw a mega pout about how we were denying him his basic rights. Mind you, we have a 5 bedroom house with 3 unused rooms. 2 of those rooms have beds. We have two living rooms. He still had internet, his own phone, computer, access to food and water. The only thing he didn't have was the air conditioner in his room, which was already 63 degrees.
I was pissed, so I called my father-in-law for advice. He said that when kids throw tantrums, you have to give them what they want. But give it to them tot eh point that they have to face their own absurdity. he recommended leaving post-its with his bio mom's number on it around the entire house. Sow e did that. Kid saw me as I was putting the final ones down, snatched them from my hands, and told me I was being aggressive. Which, I was putting paper on a wall. He physically took something from me. No question over who was actually being aggressive. He threatened to call the police. We said okay, go ahead. Instead, he called his mom. He showed us he called his mom, and told her he was home safe. So, then, that worked.
But the next day he demanded an apology. Fucking what? After all that monstrous behavior, you want a fucking apology? How about you apologize? But I swallowed that reaction because that's what parents and decent people in general do. We fight the impulse to be aggressive because we know it doesn't help anything in the long run. Instead, I sat with him and made a flowchart of all his actions, where they led to, and where different actions would have led. Then we did the same with Husband';s actions and my actions. At the end, he said he realized that Husband's actions were motivated by compassion and love for his bio mom, and a desire to help him keep their relationship positive. He realized that his actions were motivated by not wanting to be told what to do. He is now in an awkward limbo where he knows I am still upset, but doesn't know how to fix it, and I am pretty sure he's convinced himself that I am being unreasonable. After all, he only threw me under the bus last time to stay on good terms with his girlfriend. He only threw me under the bus this time, because he wanted to stay on good terms with his dad. It's not like he meant it, he was just angry. But deep down he knows. He knows that he was mean and hurt me. He feels guilty and ashamed, because he has not yet separated the idea of doing a bad thing from the idea of being an irredeemable monster.
I want to not be angry anymore. But I am. Both because his actions sucked, and because I am in pain and not allowed to take the medicine that keeps me calm. I act neutral/positive around the kid. I don't express my anger. But he can tell its' there because he is perceptive. And he doesn't know what to do about it. And neither do I. It's not like he is an uncaring jerk. he does love me and actively shows it very often. For mother's day, he bought me the Lego set that I had said I liked months ago. That means he actively remembered, took note, and saved up to get get something he knew I would love. He pays attention to my interests and actively tries to engage with me about them. He tells his friends to talk to me when they're upset, because he trusts that I will help them feel better. He asks for advice about things when he is confused by the world. He's just also impulsive, and makes snap actions that he later feels he has to defend, because otherwise he would have to admit he was wrong, which in his mind is the same as being unlovable. He doesn't realize that the solution is to accept that there is a part of him that does hurtful things, that it is the same part that exists in every human being, and then learn how to turn it off when it is directed towards other people.
His actions were terrible. They were honestly no worse than the things I did at his age. We have things in common. We both have been abused by people in our family (we adopted him for a reason). We both have felt powerless and never want to feel that way again. We are both incredibly autistic and do not understand social norms. We both have to learn what other humans will tolerate through trial and error. We both would rather wear a full-body blanket in public whenever possible, and have to handle the -1 psychic damage any time we aren't doing that. We both cannot stand the hum of lights. We are both prone to locking away our feelings until they explode, and both tend to direct that explosion at someone we trust not to walk away. I am just twice his age, so I have twice the practice at figuring out healthier ways to handle those things. When I was his age, I did horrific things. Things I would be ashamed to admit in public. Things no one would ever have expected of me. I had to learn that there is a part of me that is aggressive. That feels powerful when I hurt others. That feels safe when I feel powerful. That the feeling is a lie. That true power is being able to look yourself in the eye and feel proud of the way you handled a situation, even if ti does leave your ego battered. That backing down is almost always better in the long run than standing your ground.
That's why I wrote this entry. Once I put everything down on a page, it was no longer looping in my brain. I could see the start and end, and then let go of the drive to hold all the details at once. I could remember that backing down and showing love is the right choice. I could remember that sticking to my behavior plan for him has been yielding good results. When we got him 5 years ago, he was so aggressive and destructive that he was destined for life in a locked ward. Now, he has a full ride scholarship to a prestigious university, he will be entering with 18 credits already under his belt, and the worst thing he has done all year is use unacceptable racist language in public. That is something people will dislike him for doing, but it is not something he will be arrested for. It's easy to forget, now that his life is so cushy, but this isn't a spoiled brat who never had to work a day in his life and is balking at the concept of being told no once. This is a kid who spent his 13th birthday homeless because his foster family threw him out for having a tantrum. The behavior is the same, but the root cause is the opposite. He does't need to learn that consequences can be lasting. he already knows that all too well. He needs to learn that consequences DON'T have to be forever. When he knows he CAN be forgiven, he thinks it's worth trying for it. He wants to form positive connections. He just needs to know it's possible. That makes all the difference.
I am also frustrated right now because my kid has been slamming me behind my back repeatedly. 2 weeks ago, he called and asked for $5. I said no, both because I didn't feel like giving it to him, and because I didn't have any money in the automatic transfer account. He could have already had the money, because his report card came a week prior and he gets paid for his grades. But he kept procrastinating on adding up the amounts, even though we put the chart and the report card right on his desk. We removed every single barrier except the part where he actually needed to do the work. He also has had a paycheck sitting on the counter for 2 weeks, that he never got around to cashing because he never got around to putting the bank app on his phone and every time he asked to go to the bank, it was closed.
Anyways, I said no, he immediately hung up. Then he accidentally pocket dialed me and I got to hear him call me a lying fucking bitch, the n word, and other lovely things. He is mixed race, but looks white and cannot get away with saying the n word in public. He was in the gas station. I'm honestly surprised he didn't get punched in the face. I am also mixed race, but also look white. I have been called that word before, but only with the word Sand in front of it, and only by people who have seen me with my family. I'm Arab, not Black. So it also was just, inaccurate? Oddly specific? It probably looked to outsiders like he was a light skinned half white kid complaining about his Black mother. It really hurt me that the second I didn't do the thing he wanted (that he could have done himself and that I repeatedly reminded him about) he slammed me so hard. It also embarrasses me to know he is using that kind of language in the community, where people who know us can hear him. It reflect poorly on me, and negatively impacts his ability to form positive connections with people.
Later, he apologized, but it was a half apology. he said he was in a fight with his girlfriend, and I just "caught the heat" from that. I told him that I don't care why, I care that he did it. It was not okay and will never be okay. He said he knows. He said he wouldn't do it again.
Two weeks later, Husband was picking him up from his birth mom's house. She was worried about the rain, because the news was reporting accidents, so she told him she was worried about them making it home safely. Husband told Kid to call her when they got home to let her know he was home safe. He said he couldn't, because I refused to give him her number. Which, I had given it to him 4 different times. He is there every week and could have gotten it from her at any point. She obsessively makes lists of numbers and hangs them up around her house. He could just read it. he didn't, and then blamed me. Not only that, but made it sound like I was actively trying to keep him from contacting her.
Husband was angry at him and told him that was a stupid reason. He kept insisting it was true, so Husbands said he would put the number in his phone himself when they got home. Kid said no, he was tired, and he would go to sleep and do it when he got up. Husband said he would just turn off the power to his room until he called her. Then he did just that when they got home. Kid threw a mega pout about how we were denying him his basic rights. Mind you, we have a 5 bedroom house with 3 unused rooms. 2 of those rooms have beds. We have two living rooms. He still had internet, his own phone, computer, access to food and water. The only thing he didn't have was the air conditioner in his room, which was already 63 degrees.
I was pissed, so I called my father-in-law for advice. He said that when kids throw tantrums, you have to give them what they want. But give it to them tot eh point that they have to face their own absurdity. he recommended leaving post-its with his bio mom's number on it around the entire house. Sow e did that. Kid saw me as I was putting the final ones down, snatched them from my hands, and told me I was being aggressive. Which, I was putting paper on a wall. He physically took something from me. No question over who was actually being aggressive. He threatened to call the police. We said okay, go ahead. Instead, he called his mom. He showed us he called his mom, and told her he was home safe. So, then, that worked.
But the next day he demanded an apology. Fucking what? After all that monstrous behavior, you want a fucking apology? How about you apologize? But I swallowed that reaction because that's what parents and decent people in general do. We fight the impulse to be aggressive because we know it doesn't help anything in the long run. Instead, I sat with him and made a flowchart of all his actions, where they led to, and where different actions would have led. Then we did the same with Husband';s actions and my actions. At the end, he said he realized that Husband's actions were motivated by compassion and love for his bio mom, and a desire to help him keep their relationship positive. He realized that his actions were motivated by not wanting to be told what to do. He is now in an awkward limbo where he knows I am still upset, but doesn't know how to fix it, and I am pretty sure he's convinced himself that I am being unreasonable. After all, he only threw me under the bus last time to stay on good terms with his girlfriend. He only threw me under the bus this time, because he wanted to stay on good terms with his dad. It's not like he meant it, he was just angry. But deep down he knows. He knows that he was mean and hurt me. He feels guilty and ashamed, because he has not yet separated the idea of doing a bad thing from the idea of being an irredeemable monster.
I want to not be angry anymore. But I am. Both because his actions sucked, and because I am in pain and not allowed to take the medicine that keeps me calm. I act neutral/positive around the kid. I don't express my anger. But he can tell its' there because he is perceptive. And he doesn't know what to do about it. And neither do I. It's not like he is an uncaring jerk. he does love me and actively shows it very often. For mother's day, he bought me the Lego set that I had said I liked months ago. That means he actively remembered, took note, and saved up to get get something he knew I would love. He pays attention to my interests and actively tries to engage with me about them. He tells his friends to talk to me when they're upset, because he trusts that I will help them feel better. He asks for advice about things when he is confused by the world. He's just also impulsive, and makes snap actions that he later feels he has to defend, because otherwise he would have to admit he was wrong, which in his mind is the same as being unlovable. He doesn't realize that the solution is to accept that there is a part of him that does hurtful things, that it is the same part that exists in every human being, and then learn how to turn it off when it is directed towards other people.
His actions were terrible. They were honestly no worse than the things I did at his age. We have things in common. We both have been abused by people in our family (we adopted him for a reason). We both have felt powerless and never want to feel that way again. We are both incredibly autistic and do not understand social norms. We both have to learn what other humans will tolerate through trial and error. We both would rather wear a full-body blanket in public whenever possible, and have to handle the -1 psychic damage any time we aren't doing that. We both cannot stand the hum of lights. We are both prone to locking away our feelings until they explode, and both tend to direct that explosion at someone we trust not to walk away. I am just twice his age, so I have twice the practice at figuring out healthier ways to handle those things. When I was his age, I did horrific things. Things I would be ashamed to admit in public. Things no one would ever have expected of me. I had to learn that there is a part of me that is aggressive. That feels powerful when I hurt others. That feels safe when I feel powerful. That the feeling is a lie. That true power is being able to look yourself in the eye and feel proud of the way you handled a situation, even if ti does leave your ego battered. That backing down is almost always better in the long run than standing your ground.
That's why I wrote this entry. Once I put everything down on a page, it was no longer looping in my brain. I could see the start and end, and then let go of the drive to hold all the details at once. I could remember that backing down and showing love is the right choice. I could remember that sticking to my behavior plan for him has been yielding good results. When we got him 5 years ago, he was so aggressive and destructive that he was destined for life in a locked ward. Now, he has a full ride scholarship to a prestigious university, he will be entering with 18 credits already under his belt, and the worst thing he has done all year is use unacceptable racist language in public. That is something people will dislike him for doing, but it is not something he will be arrested for. It's easy to forget, now that his life is so cushy, but this isn't a spoiled brat who never had to work a day in his life and is balking at the concept of being told no once. This is a kid who spent his 13th birthday homeless because his foster family threw him out for having a tantrum. The behavior is the same, but the root cause is the opposite. He does't need to learn that consequences can be lasting. he already knows that all too well. He needs to learn that consequences DON'T have to be forever. When he knows he CAN be forgiven, he thinks it's worth trying for it. He wants to form positive connections. He just needs to know it's possible. That makes all the difference.
no subject
Date: 2024-05-25 04:23 pm (UTC)