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Times they are a changin'
Aug. 24th, 2024 09:13 amI am now an empty nester. The youngest moved out this week. It was a hell of a time. He was supposed to move in on Monday, but Sunday evening he started getting sick. By Monday morning he had a high fever and tested positive for covid. I called the school. They told me my kid is an adult, and hung up. I appreciate their sheer dedication to stonewalling parents. It's a prestigious university, and I think they are used to most of their students getting in because they have helicopter/snow plow parents. I absolutely fit the bill, and this makes it much easier to let go without feeling guilty.
Kid called them instead, and was able to get instructions. Apparently, the covid protocol now is to quarantine until you've been fever free for 24 hours. So that is what we did. That evening, his fever started climbing. Nothing would make it go down, and he started to get delirious. It reached 104.5, and I could only assume my thermometer was broken. I called the off-hours triage line, and they had be test it on myself, and then the kid. And, yes, it kept returning 104.5. They told me to get his ass to urgent care NOW. I bundled him into the car and floored it, as he slipped in and out of consciousness. He kept apologizing to me for ruining college. Sometimes, it sounded like he thought we were AT the college, and then he would realize that wasn't the case, then apologize for being stupid. We got to urgent care, who told us he needs to go to the ER. But that is when his fever broke. He started sweating buckets, and the thermometer dropped down to 102.8, so they took him back and checked him out. By the end of the visit, it had dropped to 101.3, and continued to fall. By morning, it was gone.
So, the next morning, he got to move in. It was already several days into orientation, but at least he is still getting to go to the end of it. I spent a lot of time panicking. I worried that having a bad start to college would ruin the whole experience for him. I worried that this would be one struggle too many for a kid who has already faced so much, and he would snap. I worried he would totally give up and it would be all my fault (for unspecified reasons. I just get comfort from blaming myself for things because it provides the illusion of control).
Husband was also worried, for related reasons. His younger brother is fully dependent on his parents, due to a severe mental health issue and related addiction. His parents live in fear because of the violent outbursts. They have lost most of their retirement savings, and now have to work even longer when they should be winding down. He does not want that to be our future. He wants our kid to have resiliency, and be able to solve his own problems. He also does not want to abandon him in a time of need, should such a need arise.
He and I had a good long talk about the whole thing. What we would and would not be willing to do for our adult child in the event of certain worst-case scenarios. What we should and should not do now to give Kid the space to make his own mistakes and learn how to solve his own problems. We came up with some clearly defined boundaries that we were both comfortable with. Basically, if our kid gets overcome with his own mental health issues to the point he can't support himself, we would let him stay at home. But, if he was dependent on us, we would not provide him with internet. We would provide him with a phone, but it would have the cheapest plan, and only effectively function as a way to call for help if he needed, or to organize necessary appointments. We would provide transportation to and from work, doctors, and the library. Anything else, he would need to sort out for himself. No friends would be allowed over, but he would be allowed to go anywhere he wanted under his own volition. That would keep him from falling into danger, but be unappealing enough that he would be motivated to get better and find a way to support himself.
If he wanted to stay at home, but paid rent, that rent would include internet and the full autonomy to live his own life. Basic adult expectations. Respect mutually defined quiet hours, clean up after yourself, let the others in the house know when someone would be over.
If he ever got to a point of violence (not something we even remotely worry about with this kid, but you never know) or uncontrollable substance abuse (a bigger worry, just because of risk factors) we would not hesitate to do a MHA and get him court ordered treatment.
But, aside from the catastrophe planning, we agreed that the best thing we can do to support him as a capable and independent adult is to stop helping him with dumb stuff. He refused to go over his packing list before moving in and realized he forgot his soap? He can go get more. He wants an electric scooter to get around campus faster? He can save up for one. He is afraid to make a professional phone call? He can struggle through the anxiety and keep practicing until it gets easier.
The way we all learn these things is by doing them ourselves. The opportunity arose naturally for Husband and I, because we had no one to rely on. Kid has us, so we need to fabricate those opportunities by saying no. It feels meaner, especially since I know how painful it was to have nobody. But, ultimately, it is actually meaner to keep stepping in, because it feeds the dependency. It hampers his ability to grow naturally. Dependency and control go together. I like having control. Independence and isolation go together. I hate seeing him feel isolated. This is not motivating at all. But it IS good for him.
When Kid was feeling better, he and I had a similar conversation where he voiced basically the same thing. He is afraid of doing things, but he wants to face those fears, and he will only do it if I refuse to help him. He said he IS anxious and afraid, but he also CAN do it. He knows this, because he has done it most of his life before coming to our house. He can reawaken that part of himself, but not unless he knows he has to.
I told him I can say no a lot easier if I trust that he will still want to talk to me after. So we agreed that he will try not to ask, and I will try to say no, and he will try to accept the no, and I will try not to cave. We will not get it 100% perfect, but we will put forth our best effort. All three of us agree that this is the way we want to proceed. We will all remember that even if we get frustrated in the moment.
Anyways, highly recommend family therapy for those who can do it.
Kid called them instead, and was able to get instructions. Apparently, the covid protocol now is to quarantine until you've been fever free for 24 hours. So that is what we did. That evening, his fever started climbing. Nothing would make it go down, and he started to get delirious. It reached 104.5, and I could only assume my thermometer was broken. I called the off-hours triage line, and they had be test it on myself, and then the kid. And, yes, it kept returning 104.5. They told me to get his ass to urgent care NOW. I bundled him into the car and floored it, as he slipped in and out of consciousness. He kept apologizing to me for ruining college. Sometimes, it sounded like he thought we were AT the college, and then he would realize that wasn't the case, then apologize for being stupid. We got to urgent care, who told us he needs to go to the ER. But that is when his fever broke. He started sweating buckets, and the thermometer dropped down to 102.8, so they took him back and checked him out. By the end of the visit, it had dropped to 101.3, and continued to fall. By morning, it was gone.
So, the next morning, he got to move in. It was already several days into orientation, but at least he is still getting to go to the end of it. I spent a lot of time panicking. I worried that having a bad start to college would ruin the whole experience for him. I worried that this would be one struggle too many for a kid who has already faced so much, and he would snap. I worried he would totally give up and it would be all my fault (for unspecified reasons. I just get comfort from blaming myself for things because it provides the illusion of control).
Husband was also worried, for related reasons. His younger brother is fully dependent on his parents, due to a severe mental health issue and related addiction. His parents live in fear because of the violent outbursts. They have lost most of their retirement savings, and now have to work even longer when they should be winding down. He does not want that to be our future. He wants our kid to have resiliency, and be able to solve his own problems. He also does not want to abandon him in a time of need, should such a need arise.
He and I had a good long talk about the whole thing. What we would and would not be willing to do for our adult child in the event of certain worst-case scenarios. What we should and should not do now to give Kid the space to make his own mistakes and learn how to solve his own problems. We came up with some clearly defined boundaries that we were both comfortable with. Basically, if our kid gets overcome with his own mental health issues to the point he can't support himself, we would let him stay at home. But, if he was dependent on us, we would not provide him with internet. We would provide him with a phone, but it would have the cheapest plan, and only effectively function as a way to call for help if he needed, or to organize necessary appointments. We would provide transportation to and from work, doctors, and the library. Anything else, he would need to sort out for himself. No friends would be allowed over, but he would be allowed to go anywhere he wanted under his own volition. That would keep him from falling into danger, but be unappealing enough that he would be motivated to get better and find a way to support himself.
If he wanted to stay at home, but paid rent, that rent would include internet and the full autonomy to live his own life. Basic adult expectations. Respect mutually defined quiet hours, clean up after yourself, let the others in the house know when someone would be over.
If he ever got to a point of violence (not something we even remotely worry about with this kid, but you never know) or uncontrollable substance abuse (a bigger worry, just because of risk factors) we would not hesitate to do a MHA and get him court ordered treatment.
But, aside from the catastrophe planning, we agreed that the best thing we can do to support him as a capable and independent adult is to stop helping him with dumb stuff. He refused to go over his packing list before moving in and realized he forgot his soap? He can go get more. He wants an electric scooter to get around campus faster? He can save up for one. He is afraid to make a professional phone call? He can struggle through the anxiety and keep practicing until it gets easier.
The way we all learn these things is by doing them ourselves. The opportunity arose naturally for Husband and I, because we had no one to rely on. Kid has us, so we need to fabricate those opportunities by saying no. It feels meaner, especially since I know how painful it was to have nobody. But, ultimately, it is actually meaner to keep stepping in, because it feeds the dependency. It hampers his ability to grow naturally. Dependency and control go together. I like having control. Independence and isolation go together. I hate seeing him feel isolated. This is not motivating at all. But it IS good for him.
When Kid was feeling better, he and I had a similar conversation where he voiced basically the same thing. He is afraid of doing things, but he wants to face those fears, and he will only do it if I refuse to help him. He said he IS anxious and afraid, but he also CAN do it. He knows this, because he has done it most of his life before coming to our house. He can reawaken that part of himself, but not unless he knows he has to.
I told him I can say no a lot easier if I trust that he will still want to talk to me after. So we agreed that he will try not to ask, and I will try to say no, and he will try to accept the no, and I will try not to cave. We will not get it 100% perfect, but we will put forth our best effort. All three of us agree that this is the way we want to proceed. We will all remember that even if we get frustrated in the moment.
Anyways, highly recommend family therapy for those who can do it.
